RAISING ANTIRACIST WHITE KIDS
Every Family Is Different
Each relationship between parent and child is unique. There is no “one size fits all” approach to any parenting. What I can share is my own unique journey as a white mother learning about antiracism, and how we are growing together as a family.
Partnership and Purpose
My husband and I are both teachers. We thoughtfully discussed how we were going to raise our daughter. My husband is an elementary teacher- I learned so much about early childhood growth and development from him. As a high school teacher, I shared the complicated identity development of teens. We discussed how we wanted to foster our daughter’s social, emotional, cognitive, moral, and physical growth. Teaching our daughter to live into her humanity by honoring other people’s humanity with dignity and integrity required us to lead her clearly and bravely through what it means to be antiracist.
Above all of the things that we have taught our daughter: how to read, how to say please and thank you, how to be a responsible friend, we have put the most effort and thought into teaching her how to be antiracist. As we continue to learn, we continue to share our new learning with her -and we are growing together as a family. Eva is 17, and now pursues her own learning- we are learning so much from her.
Early Childhood
We started talking about race and racism when she was very very young. We scaffolded our discussions just like we did with everything we taught her. We started with just noticing the world around us and naming what we saw. Rather than hush her when she noticed that one of our Black friends had a different color skin than she did, we affirmed that observation and gave it language. We did the same as she asked questions about or made comments about the world around her. When we watched TV or read a book, we took the time to talk about what and who we saw, and we used words like “white” and “African American”. We bought Eva both Black and white dolls and books that represented multiple racial identities. We made sure to share images and stories of people of color who were experiencing joy, were/ are inventors, artists, kings and queens, leaders, and heroes. We were thoughtful to not present people of color through a lens of oppression. It was important to us to help guide Eva as noticed skin color differences and tried to understand their meaning. Children will use our racist society to interpret the meaning if we don’t intervene.
We introduced the term race when she was 4 and introduced the term racism when she witnessed her first racist incident in 3rd grade. Because we had already been talking about race and discrimination, this conversation followed a natural progression to the foundation we had begun. When she was in kindergarten, we taught her that we expected her to speak up when other students were teasing each other- naming race, gender, disability, etc. rather than just using the term “bullying”. We worked to help her develop an antiracist identity. Children, as young as five, recognize that different groups are treated differently, we wanted to be able to provide our daughter with the framework for understanding the world around her.
Learning and Unlearning
We also had to reteach a lot of lies that she was receiving in school. Lies like “Thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates the peaceful friendship between Native Americans and Pilgrims.” And that our “Founding Fathers were heroes and good men.” We also had to supplement her education by adding the history of our country and the important contributions of people of color outside of Black History Month.
I have found that many white parents wait too long to discuss race and racism with their children. There is a myth that white children don’t notice race and racism until they are much older. Children will develop their racial identity with or without us. We wanted to be sure that we were guiding Eva to develop a healthy white racial identity- specifically a white antiracist identity.
I have found that many white parents wait too long to discuss race and racism with their children. There is a myth that white children don’t notice race and racism until they are much older. Children will develop their racial identity with or without us. We wanted to be sure that we were guiding Eva to develop a healthy white racial identity- specifically a white antiracist identity. White parents often want to preserve their white child’s innocence and isolate them from the pain of discrimination and racism. However, in a racist society, parents of color do not have the privilege to avoid discussions about race and racism. Black, Lantinx and other parents of color talk to their children about race early and often for their children’s wellbeing and safety. We take our privilege very seriously.
I was raised to only see race when a person of color was in the room. I never understood myself to have “race” and I did not understand what it means to be white. I was taught that racism was only violent actions committed by white supremacist KKK members who overtly hated Black people. I didn’t know that racism is a system that is upheld by people just like me- well-meaning, liberal white people who are complicit with a system that at every turn is oppressing people of color while simultaneously providing me with unearned benefits and privilege. I had to unlearn and learn so much in my adult life. My whole world view was flipped when I started to study and understand race past the surface and the one-dimensional instruction of my parents and teachers. Therefore, I am very thoughtful to talk about whiteness and all that it encompasses with Eva and my husband.
Moving Through Our Discomfort
Our children are always watching us. They notice the world around them and our reactions to it. If we are uncomfortable discussing racism and we remain silent, our children will internalize our nonverbal messages-they will develop a harmful perception that there is something wrong with people of color. Our silence is complicity. By not naming racism we are showing our children that we agree with the racist joke an uncle makes at a family dinner, or our friend’s casual remark in a conversation. I have to constantly befriend my discomfort. It is in my discomfort that my learning awaits me. When I speak about my discomfort and move through it, I am modeling a necessary process for my daughter and letting her know that discomfort is not the same as being unsafe. AND, as a white person, my discomfort is a necessary component for the actual safety of people of color.
Although this work is hard, there is also joy in a fight for justice. Brittney Cooper, the author of Eloquent Rage, States that Joy arises from an internal clarity about our purpose. She shares that her purpose is justice. And the fight for justice brings her joy. Learning and growing with my family brings me great joy. Imagining a future that is better than this one brings me great joy. Working with teachers, friends, family and community members who are devoting their lives to transforming the next generation of antiracist activists brings me immeasurable joy.
Antiracism
Antiracism requires action. In our workshops, my colleague, Dr. Shayla Griffin, reminds our participants that workshops and reading are not an outcome. We must show up with our new learning and take action. Ibram X. Kendi, the author of How to Be an Antiracist, pushes back against the statement “I’m not racist”. Kendi proclaims that “There is no such thing as ‘not racist’. He states that we are either racist or antiracist. In order to be antiracist, we must be in deep relationship with our own bias and commit to taking action to dismantle racist systems. Kendi notes that “Antiracist” is not a fixed identity. I can act in antiracist ways one day and then say something or do something racist the next. Therefore, I commit a lot of time to excavate and interrogate my internalized bias, stereotypes, and behavior. I read about and listen to podcasts about racism by people of color every day- and specifically about antiblackness by Black women who are our great leaders in activism. In 2017, I changed my media diet for two years- only read books and articles written by people of color. I do not claim myself to be antiracist. Instead, I make a commitment to being antiracist. It is in my actions that antiracism happens. Like allyship, it is not something I can claim. I must prove myself to be a co-conspirator each and every day in my actions. Allyship is an action, not an identity.
If I claim that I am living an antiracist life, I have to ask myself “What is my evidence?”
Common Traps: Color Blind, Guilt & Shame
There are some common mistakes that white parents make when discussing race and racism with their white children. Some parents teach color blindness. By teaching our white children to not see color, we are teaching our children to not see the full humanity of people of color. We are instructing them to look away from the discrimination, pain, and harm that people of color endure. If we don’t see and name race, then we cannot see, name and dismantle racism. We are teaching our white children to discredit people of color who share their lived experiences with race. When we teach our children that “we are all equal” we are lying to them. This lying has perpetuated a culture of disbelief, shock, and disassociation that is an essential ingredient in maintaining racism. My daughter is white. She has a lot of unearned privilege. For me, it is imperative that she understands her privilege so she can use her privilege to dismantle racist systems while being indeep relationship with her own internalized bias.
The other common mistake white parents make when teaching their children about racism is that they use guilt and shame as an attempt to create empathy. Although guilt and shame can be part of white racial identity development (I often feel deep regret and guilt when I learn about all the ways I have and continue to harm people of color), guilt and shame are not effective tools for dismantling racism. Guilt and shame keep us frozen in inaction.
The other common mistake white parents make when teaching their children about racism is that they use guilt and shame as an attempt to create empathy. Although guilt and shame can be part of white racial identity development (I often feel deep regret and guilt when I learn about all the ways I have and continue to harm people of color), guilt and shame are not effective tools for dismantling racism. Guilt and shame keep us frozen in inaction. Instead of listing all the ways that white people have hurt people of color and declare that all white people are racist, I have found that it is important to slowly scaffold information and combine it with examples of white antiracist activists for them to model themselves after. Helping Eva feel empowered to fight against racism was a key to her engagement.
Although this work is hard, there is also joy in a fight for justice. Brittney Cooper, the author of Eloquent Rage, states that Joy arises from an internal clarity about our purpose. She shares that her purpose is justice. And the fight for justice brings her joy. Learning and growing with my family brings me great joy. Imagining a future that is better than this one brings me great joy. Working with teachers, friends, family and community members who are devoting their lives to transforming the next generation of antiracist activists brings me immeasurable joy.
Tween-Teen
As she got older, we talked about prejudice, antiblackness, discrimination and privilege. We discussed how white cultural norms (like white silence and perfectionism) prevented me from speaking up when I heard racist comments as a child and young adult. We introduced terms like “bystander”, and we practiced interrupting bias with humility, integrity and grace. We also practice apologizing in our home. As a white family in a racist culture, we make a lot of mistakes. It has been important for us to learn how to apologize without centering our good intentions, and instead focus on the impact of what we said or did and to make a commitment to learn more and do better. I want Eva to be a co-conspirator in collective liberation, not a performative ally.
Eva is now 17. We watch documentaries, and movies that focus on racism and have conversations about what we watch. When we watch tv shows, or movies that have predominantly white characters, we name it. When we watch the news and see bias and white dominate norms, we take time to talk about it. We share articles and other resources with one another. Discussions about racism are common in our home. We discuss the systemic racism in our schools, healthcare, banking, housing, laws, criminal justice system, and religious institutions. We discuss the compounding effects of intersectional oppression based on our social identities that cause classism, ableism, heterosexism, transphobia, and sexism. Lately, we have spent a lot of our time discussing police brutality, white supremacy, implicit bias, and how racism is a problem that was created by white people and how it is our duty to be fully engaged to dismantle it.
It’s Never Too Late-How You Can Start Now
No matter how old your child is or where you are in your child’s development, you can start talking about racism now. It is never too late! I suggest that parents commit to their own learning. There are so many books to help us (Waking Up White, What Does It Mean To Be White, How To Be an Antiracist, So You Want To Talk About Race, Those Kids Our Schools, There There, My Grandmother’s Hands), podcasts (1619 Project, Seeing White), movies & series (When They See Us, Moonlight, The Hate You Give, Just Mercy, If Beale Street Could Talk), and documentaries (I Am Not Your Negro, Reconstruction: America After The Civil War, 13th, ). I follow several antiracist leaders on social media and subscribe to news sources owned and operated by people of color. There are numerous antiracist organizations, like Showing Up for Racial Justice (SURJ), that you can join to challenge racist policies. You can donate to local organizations that are committed to illuminating and fighting racist laws and policies.
It is important (with this many resources) we do not ask Black people “what can we do?” It is important that we do not expect Black people to provide us with the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual labor of helping us understand race and racism. That ask does real harm. Just as my mentor, Melanie Morrison, named her antiracism seminar, it is imperative that we Do Our Own Work. It is important that we hold ourselves and each other accountable to the lifetime commitment of antiracism.
In this moment of National Reckoning and Uprising there is so much content to discuss with our children. We can start by simply asking them “What do you think about the protests?” Asking questions is a great way to learn what our kids know and what they understand. It is important to meet them where they are in their development and help them analyze the world through a critical framework. If we just lecture our children, we deny them the important skill of critically thinking about racism and all of its complexities at the personal, interpersonal, cultural, and institutional levels. We can invite our children to learn with us and share our learning, questions and concerns with one another. If you don’t know the answer to their questions, I invite you to be vulnerable and transparent and say “I don’t know. Let’s look that up together!” A healthy white racial identity develops over time with great care, compassion, and devotion- although there is so much urgency for white people to wake up and do the work of dismantling racism, we must slow down enough so that we do not exasperate the harm we have already inflicted. We have so much to learn and unlearn.
Do You Want to Learn More About How to Raise Your White Kids As Antiracists? Click Here to Take Our Antiracist Class: White People Working For Racial Justice
Acknowledgements and Gratitude: I Did Not Learn All of This On My Own
I am deeply grateful for all of the people who have patiently and lovingly brought me along on this life-long journey. Their deep wisdom, knowledge, humility, grace, passion, and compassion have inspired me to move through my discomfort and growing pains. My relationships with them sustain me in my work and in my devoted resolve.
My mentor, Melanie Morrison, founder of Allies for Change, who created the life changing curriculum for Doing Our Own Work, a six-day intensive antiracism session for white people. My understanding of whiteness transformed under her compassionate and devoted guidance.
Race, Are We So Different 2012 training. I met Dr. Shayla Griffin during the traveling exhibit in 2013. Meeting Shayla changed my life!
My colleagues at Justice Leaders Collaborative: Dr. Shayla Griffin, Greg Myers (who helped me through my fear of not being enough) and Lois McCullen Parr (who believed in me when I did not believe in myself and paved the way for me to live into my best self) who hold me accountable with love.
The honor of learning specifically about white antiracist parenting from Jennifer Harvey who wrote the book Raising White Kids and Rebekah Gienapp who wrote Raising Antiracist Kids: An Age by Age Guide for Parents of White Children
I also have numerous friends who call me in and out as I make mistakes during this difficult and necessary lifelong commitment to be antiracist.
-Written by Autumn Joy Campbell (white, she/her/hers) - Co-Founder and Lead Facilitator of Justice Leaders Collaborate www.justiceleaderscollaborative.com
Photo: Autumn with her husband Phil and daughter Eva